I read an article recently that devoured my attention. I was reading it while waiting to board a Southwest flight, and almost missed my boarding spot. Other Southwest flyers out there know how big of a sin that is! The article was about the repression of emotions, but that wasn’t what shook my world. I’ve always thought that we should do whatever is necessary to face our demons – we should never repress them. After all, they’re slowly sucking away at the quality of our lives. After my past relationships have ended, I wouldn’t get involved with anyone else until I felt I was past my former girlfriend. I had seen too many people jump from relationship to relationship, repressing their emotions and never getting past the anger and grief. I had the idea of Vector Firm for about five years before taking the plunge. I would push my desires deep down below my day-to-day thinking. I would justify my inaction with “I’ve got a great job – I’d be crazy to leave. Stop being ungrateful for your blessings.” I wasn’t acting ungrateful – I was acting cowardly. Eventually, I had to face my fear and try it. Because I dealt with these two major parts of my life by facing my demons and moving through the pain, today I have an amazing marriage, and a booming business that I love. So, it’s natural for me to believe that we should not repress any of our thoughts, memories, or emotions.
This article consumed me because it stated something different. The author, a psychiatrist, stated that their profession, and all the modern-day self-proclaimed therapists that have reached millions of minds through social media, have done humanity a disservice. By preaching the possibility of being completely unrepressed, they’ve set an expectation that is unrealistic. In fact, he argued that such a Utopia is impossible. If we face everything in our lives, we’ll be too terrified to truly experience our lives. In fairness, he also stated that we can’t be ostriches and bury our heads in the sand, either. We need a balance. Unfortunately, many of us either repress too much, leading a below-average life, or we try to face everything and feel like a failure if they don’t, leading to a disappointing life. The author’s conclusion was that repression is a defense mechanism that has evolved in humans to protect us from things too awful to face. There is a healthy balance on what we repress, and what we directly face.
I literally felt 20 pounds removed from my shoulders after reading this piece. I felt such relief. Not only do I have a habit of facing everything head-on, and dealing with a lot of unnecessary anxiety, but this habit of “100% or nothing” transcends most things in my life. Intellectually, I understand the concept of balance, but I don’t practice it. I’ve never reached a goal that I’ve set for myself. Not because I’m lazy or unsuccessful, but because my goals are ridiculous. For example, I set a goal to run the 2000 Chicago marathon in less than four hours, and bench press 300 lbs. during that same week. By the way, I had never run more than a 5k up that point in my life. I couldn’t just set the goal of completing a marathon – I had to keep up with my weight training. The week of the marathon, I easily benched over 300 lbs., but I barely finished the race within the six-hour cut-off time. The whole thing was a miserable experience, but it could’ve been a lot of fun if I just let myself focus on the run and enjoy the process.
I’ve improved over the years, but the relief that this article gave me made me realize just how bad I have it. If this qualified, well-respected psychiatrist is telling me that it’s ok to repress some things, then it’s probably ok to have balance in all parts of my life. In fact, he went on to convince me that pursuing idealism leads to misery because we can’t reach it. No matter what the motivational memes and coaches tell us, we’re human and have limitations … and that’s ok. A Zen master can’t transcend time. An enlightened sage can’t perform magic. A 220lb. meathead who has never run very far can’t complete a marathon in less than four fours while maintaining his strength in the gym ... while working on the road 60 hours per week. You know what? That’s ok. Expecting these results takes away from our human experience. Being human, embracing our humanity, and balancing our expectations fulfills our human experience. The 20 pounds came off my shoulders when I realized that being human is imperfect, and again - that’s ok.
