About a week ago, my four-year-old daughter was upset because she wanted to walk downstairs ahead of my wife and me. When we notified her that she had to be behind us, she got upset and started sulking a little (i.e. she needed a nap). I sat down next to her to explain that we walk in front of her on the way down the stairs, and behind her on the way up the stairs, to catch her if she falls. I further explained: “I do the same thing with Mommy. I’m always a couple steps lower than her. If she slips, then I’ll catch her.”
Then she asked one of those questions too pure for an adult to ask: “Who catches you if you fall?”
My answer: "I won't fall. That's why I'm The Big Man." (Her nickname for me is The Big Man.)
That was my verbal answer to my four-year-old, but it wasn't the right answer. The right answer is that I don't know. I'm not talking about the major falls in life - I know that there is a village out there that would catch me if something tragic happened - a village led by my wife. I mean the day-to-day challenges that slowly accumulate so slowly that you don’t realize the impact until it’s too late. I once heard this dynamic called death by 1,000 paper cuts.
Like many middle-aged men, I've put myself in a position where I don't have anyone to help me with these minor, but vicious challenges. I don't want to talk with my wife about these things. She's great when I have a significant problem, but bringing up the everyday minutiae would wear on us. We’re both busy. When we have time together, I don’t want to discuss these little stresses. Also, I want to be the strength of my family, not a victim. I know that's not 21st century thinking, but it's how I feel.
So, what can I do? I need someone to walk behind me on those stairs to catch me every day ... every single day. I don't mean stress management - I'm pretty good at that. I mean the human interaction that creates a support system. What can I do? What can we do? Most of you are sales professionals or business owners - you get kicked in the face multiple times per day. We need that human support system.
I've thought about this for the last week or so, and have come up with a few ideas. Below are three things I plan to do to help provide support. While most of the wording is masculine, this problem transcends gender - especially for single moms – so I hope our women readers will find an idea or two in here also.
- Spend more "real time" with other men like me. I've got a ton of friends, but I can't remember the last time I had breakfast with one of them to simply catch up, and talk about real things. We go to ball games, happy hours, double dates, etc. Many of these guys are battling the same demons that I battle, so I'm going to commit to spending real time with them – building a support for me and for them.
- Talk a little bit every night about my day, with my wife. As I mentioned above, I don't do this. I walk around like Fonzie at Arnold's; until the days accumulate and I become Ralph Malph. If I just spoke for three minutes a night to my wife about the events of that day - good and bad - a little bit of steam would be released. That small release would keep me healthy and happy. I also think my wife would appreciate it, and I’d still be able to fulfill my commitment to being the strength of the family.
- Reconnect with old friends. I used to be amazing at keeping in touch. Since our daughter was born, I've become a bit obsessive about my time. When I’m not travelling for business, I feel like my time is hers. Although spending time with her is the most important thing I can do with my time right now, I need to take time to reconnect with one or two old friends every month or so. That's it. Just those two phone calls a month will make a difference in my feeling of support, and realization of my large network.
It’s amazing how much my little girl teaches me every week. The self-awareness gained from her innocent question will benefit me for years. I hope you take this topic seriously, too – who catches you when you fall? As sales professionals and business owners, you’ve got to be able to release that steam regularly. Working out, meditation, and limiting your caffeine will only go so far. A personal support system is extremely helpful to the quality of your life, and your work. Good luck, and looking forward to hearing some feedback the next time I see you at a trade show or conference.
