As I was planning this blog concept last winter (2014 – 15), my marketing consultant suggested that I add one personal post a week, with the goal of letting people get to know me. So, I started posting a non-business segment every Thursday. Although the goal was to give my readers a glimpse into who I am, the weekly personal post has become an outlet for me to share my observations, experiences, and memories. It’s actually become one of my favorite parts of the week. Not today. Today I’m writing this post with a numb feeling in my fingers and throughout my body. Today, right now, I feel overwhelmed, sad, confused, selfish, and angry. I mostly feel sad.
I’m writing this a little after 8:00 am on Sunday morning, June 12. About seven hours ago, a gunman entered a night club in Orlando and shot over 100 people, killing approximately 50 (updated this at about 10:00). We live less than a mile from the club – 0.8 mile according to Google Maps. I’ve spoken to dozens of you on the phone as I was walking home from a Starbucks across the street from the club – it’s a 12-13 minute walk and I’ve developed a habit of walking up there in the late afternoon when arriving home, returning calls during my walk. At this point, I have no personal connection to anyone killed or injured, or am I at danger. I hope I don’t sound like a victim – I’m not a victim. I’m as safe and unaffected as any of you.
However, my house is 0.8 mile from the attack. My wife and daughter sleep 0.8 mile from the attack. I’m numb, I’m sad.
I don’t know if I have a point to this post and don’t even know if I’ll publish it. This horrible event is not about me. I don’t mean to make it about me. I’m just writing because I’m overwhelmed. One of the TV news reporters read a text from a 30-something year-old who was barricading himself in a bathroom as he was hearing gunshots. The text was sent to his mother: “come get me Mommy”. That was all I could handle. My three year old reaches out to me with similar words everyday (substitute “Daddy” for “Mommy”). I imagined her reaching out to my wife and me in 30 years from now “Come get me Daddy”. Then I cried. I didn’t start choking up or gracefully let my eyes fill with tears … I cried. I cried out loud and uncontrollably. When I stopped, I walked up stairs and just stared at my daughter sleeping away her Sunday morning.
I remember watching All in the Family when I was very little. It was one of the first shows I watched. Archie Bunker’s son-in-law, Meathead, used to proclaim that he didn’t want to bring a child into this world. Even as a pre-K little boy, I thought this guy was a wimp. I clearly remember thinking how wrong he was, and how great the world was… when I was about four years old I was thinking this. I’ve always felt this way. Even after 9/11, I remember being more angry than anything else, and knowing that we’d overcome this challenge. Later today and when you read this tomorrow morning, I’ll probably feel the same resilience. Not now. Right now, I’m numb. Right now, I just hope we figure things out for my daughter and her children… that’s all. I was in New York on September 10, 2001, and across the river in New Jersey on the 11th. I was at Centennial Park at the 1996 Olympics three hours before the bomb explosion. Not a victim in either case, but pretty close to the situation. I didn’t feel like this on those days. This attack happened 0.8 mile from my daughter’s bed – that’s pretty much all that’s in my mind right now.
In the past, I’ve written about today being better than yesterday. I’ve portrayed my frustration with those that have euphoric recall, thinking that it was better “back then”. I still believe our current time is better than any time in the past. This morning however, I’m sad and I’m not going to get on my soapbox about how great we really have it. I’m just sad. I feel sad for the victims and their families. I’m sure that most of the people at that club were young, and their parents will have to bury their children. I feel selfish because my initial thoughts are with my three year-old daughter, who just woke up and thinks the helicopters over our house are taking pictures of our neighborhood. I’m sad for her – that she may have to endure this new type of fear, and have to raise her children in this new warfare we call terrorism. As sad as I am for our community, the victims, and the victims’ families, my dominant thoughts are with my daughter and the life in front of her… and that’s why I feel selfish.
Again, I’m not sure where I’m going with this post. My personal blog posts have helped me reconnect with a lot of people from my childhood and younger adult days. When a subscriber talks with me at a trade show or company event, they usually bring up one of the personal posts – not a business post. Maybe this post will help our relationship. Maybe it’ll help provide perspective on the one factor that is unique to me in this case – proximity. Objectively, this attack is no different than the one in San Bernardino or Ft. Hood. The only difference to me is proximity. I also couldn’t bring myself to posting something tomorrow about “using your network to become the perceived expert” or “how to use Twitter to set appointments”. Mostly though, I just felt like writing these words and getting them out of my head, so thanks for letting me do that.
One last note, most subscribers to this blog are electronic security professionals. What you do and what you sell matters. Do it the right way.
Take care my friends.
