It’s Monday morning – three days before this post will be published – and the clock says its 5:23. I’ve in my home office with a cup of coffee to my right, laptop directly in front of me, and our baby monitor to my left. Yes, our daughter is almost three and I still hold on to the monitor like it’s my life source (figuratively, I guess it is). Most mornings, I just make sure she is ok and then it sits here with me for about three hours until she gets up. Not today. This morning she is struggling with a cold and coughing sporadically. Nothing serious, and I’ve thanked God every minute for about three years for our gift of good health. No, nothing serious – just a cold. However, I’m sitting here trying to practice for two presentations I have in two different parts of the country this week and all I can do is hold back tears because she has a little cold. Every time she coughs I want to run upstairs and hold her. When did I become such a wimp?
About 20 years ago I read an article entitled something like: “Emotions Are Not a la Carte”. One of the lines stated that we can’t open to only one emotion. Once we take off the lid to our emotions, all of them fly out: grief, anxiety, joy, excitement … every one of them. So when I first saw our little girl about three years ago in the delivery room, everything inside of me was released and I haven’t been able to seal them up again. I laugh more, I reflect more, I flow more and direct less, and I cry a whole lot more.
I used to be able to take subjective concepts and package them into objective realities. I used to be able to focus on the task at hand and ignore any impractical sympathy that popped into my head. I used to be able to listen to a child cough and rationalize that it was a cold and the temporary struggle will benefit them. Not anymore. Today, I experience the whole inventory of my feelings. At first, it was weird and painful. Actually, losing control was more uncomfortable than it was painful. As I’ve gotten used to it, my experience of life has increased dramatically in magnitude. Everything is more vibrant and alive. The good and the bad … and it’s awesome.
Yep, I’m now in my mid-forties, I’m a complete wimp… and I’ve never been happier.
