Last weekend I attended an annual golf tournament held by my fraternity’s alumni association. I attend this event every year, but this year was special. One of our members, Ernie Cox, made a simple and obvious comment to me: “There are things we can say and ways we can act in this group that we would never share in our day to day business interactions … regardless of how close you might be to your business associates.” Ernie isn’t some dimwit recent graduate that misses funneling beers and $1 shots. He is a 50-something successful attorney and business owner with four awesome kids, and his college sweetheart for his wife.
His comment stuck with me. I’ve lived as many years after college as I spent before becoming a college graduate. However, I don’t have the friendships from the last 23 years that I do from the few years I was in college – not even close. I’ve worked at some pretty cool places with some very cool people. I’ve lived in some hip neighborhoods before marriage and a perfect neighborhood after marriage (I actually live in the neighborhood where the movie Parenthood was filmed). I’ve met some great friends in Orlando – I have season tickets to Orlando Magic basketball and Florida Gator football with guys I didn’t know in college. I vacation with my “adult friends”. I go to happy hours and on double dates with them. Our kids play together. Great guys – good friends … all five or six of them! Really - in 23 years, I’ve made about five or six good friends. In my few years at the University of Florida, I met dozens of life-long friends. Friends that I call when I hear they’re hurting. Friends that I meet when I’m in their cities for business. Friends that make fun of my hairline within 30 seconds of seeing each other, even if we haven’t seen each other in 10 years. Friends that I hug. BTW, I’m not a hugger.
Why? Why don’t we continue to form these bonds after college? Well, this question ran through my mind all weekend and I think I have an answer. Not the answer, but a few answers…
- College is the last time that we get to choose our friends from a large sample. Think about it … how many people at your work, in your neighborhood, at your church, etc. are your age and have similar interests? In college we had thousands of options from which to choose. Thousands (or hundreds for those that attended smaller schools) of kids that were born at about the same time and chose the same university. If one joined a fraternity, sorority, athletic team, or other organization, they had an even more controlled group from which to choose.
- We had a lot more time to socialize in college. I’m sure there are hundreds of people in Orlando with whom I could become just as close, but I work and travel a lot. When I have some disposable time, I spend it with my family and those five or six guys referenced above. In college, I had more spare time in a typical April than I’ve had since then … total.
- We felt compelled to do stupid things in college. In fact, it was our mission to do stupid things – that’s what you in college, right? I’m very close to some of my clients and consider them friends. However, I wouldn’t tell them the same stories or take the same actions in front of them that I did in college… and my stories are probably much tamer than yours. When we do stupid things, we bond. I don’t know why, but we do.
So that’s it – this is my reasoning for why we meet our best friends in college. I’m not going to think further about it … I’ll just keep telling obnoxious stories and delivering crass insults at our golf tournament, Gator games, and my annual ski trip… and I’ll be grateful for every single moment.
