A college friend of mine had a substance abuse problem that he battled for years. He was a good friend of mine while in school, and we still keep in touch when possible, even though we live 1000 miles apart. This guy was a man among boys in college. He could hit it hard all night, ace his tests during the day, throw around a ton of weight in the gym in the evening, and then do it all over again. He was a machine… the guy could bench press houses while beating everyone in Jeopardy and sipping on a bottle of Jack.
Well, being a father, husband, and executive didn’t really fit with this lifestyle, so he had to change. A little over 10 years ago, he sought help and got sober – and has remained sober and happy since. Several things he has shared with me about his journey have stuck, but one point in particular is prevalent for me and most of us. He said one of the hardest parts of the transition was giving up an identity. He had created this fun, crazy persona that attracted people… now he had to give it up. He had to leave that guy behind, and it was much harder than leaving behind the alcohol.
This story resonates with me because most of us have some type of an identity that is hurting us. Admittedly, most of us don’t have one nearly as drastic as my friend’s. However, there are little things we’ve been doing that are holding us back or worse – boring us. For many of us, this habit is something many would consider productive and positive behavior. However, life changes and our behavior should change with it. Unfortunately, we’re so attached to our behavior and the identity that goes with it that we’re afraid of changing. It’s not that hard to convince ourselves to give up a bad habit, but the good ones are lined with justification. Let me offer an example that is happening to me right now…
I began waking up earlier than everyone else in 1995. My thought was that I can get more done by capturing that early morning creativity and energy. I began to like it. I then began to thrive off it. My friends began to make fun of me for it – all positive attention. When I bump into friends I haven’t seen in years, one of the first things they ask is: “You still wake up at like 3:30?” This behavior of waking up early while everyone else was sleeping created an attitude and a persona. For a few years, I actually woke up at 3:59 on Mondays. I wanted to get a head start on the week and seeing a “3” on the clock excited me. Seriously, I did this for about three or four years.
Well, the time has come where I need to change. I can’t do this anymore. I typically wake up at 4:30 / 4:45. Not anymore. This behavior worked very well when I was single. It worked as a married guy with no kids (well, it worked for me). It even worked when our daughter was a baby and toddler. Not anymore. She’s three years old, and for multiple reasons, I can’t do the 4:30 thing anymore. While you’d think I’d be throwing a party, I’m not. I’m struggling with the idea.
Waking up early is a positive behavior. It has become something for which I’m identified. I like it. As nice as it will be to wake up at 6:00 and maybe catch an entire playoff game the night before, I don’t like leaving that guy behind. I have to, and I will, but I’m struggling with it.
How about you? Are you still running five days a week even though your knees are screaming for you to find another exercise? Are you still volunteering for an organization that doesn’t stimulate you anymore, and you’ve become the old guy/lady that talks about how great it used to be? Are you booking flights for trips that really aren’t that necessary because you’re the “road warrior” in your company? All of these examples are behaviors that were positive and commendable at one time of your life, but they might be hurting the quality of your life now.
Making the decision to give up a bad habit is an obvious decision (although acting on can be the hardest thing one does). However, changing a habit that is considered positive and served you well for years can be very tough. Heck, I’m giving myself an extra 90 minutes to sleep every morning and I’m having problems with it! Think about what you’re doing on a week to week basis. Erase all of it. Start from scratch. Would you still join that association today? Do you even like golf anymore? Take action and begin some new positive habits that fit better into your current self.
